Five Ways To Behave Upon Receiving My Substack Email, a poem.

1. Delete immediately without opening. Quickly reconsider. Perhaps the writer can see how many people deleted without opening? Perhaps they can see who deleted without opening! Attempt to Google. Read the Substack FAQs. Fail to find a straight answer. Feel the guilt overwhelm you. Retrieve email from the trash. Open it, read first two lines, hit reply: Thanks for sending, this is so great! Count to ten. Delete again.

2. Open with dread. Feel your heart sink as you size up the length, the quantity of words on your screen, a blur of black and white as you scroll down towards the small print, squinting to find the unsubscribe link. Click it firmly, with mild fury. Reason for unsubscribe? I never signed up for these emails! Hesitate. Did I sign up for these emails? Why would I have done such a thing? In what world did I think I’d have the time, the energy, the patience? Who is this person? What is Substack? How did I get here? Quit your email app, shut your screen, positively depressed about life.

3. Leave unopened, to be read later, at a sensible time, a quiet time, slowly, calmly, with a cup of tea and digestive biscuit, along with the other 4931 unread emails in your inbox.

4. Read immediately, because if you don’t do it right now, you know you never will. Even though right now is not the best time, to be honest. It’s a highly inconvenient time, in fact, between multiple work fiascos and trying to find a recipe for all-butter shortbread, without butter. Force yourself to concentrate, to block out the child screaming, the dishwasher beeping, your mind whirring. Notice spelling mistakes, grammatical errors, lack of judgement, lack of concept. You could write better than this! Why are you not writing this? Sign up for a Substack account, start your own newsletter.

5. Pour yourself a stiff drink. Click with curiosity. Lift an eyebrow. Lick your lips. This is not bad this. Rather witty. Pour yourself another drink. Read it over twice more. Laugh. Cry. Now this is what I signed up for! This is culture, this is connectivity! Just what the doctor ordered. A pause in the hamster wheel of life! Refill your drink. Forward the email to everyone you’ve ever met. Hit the share button, tweet about it, write in the comments section, do a little dance. Is this really free? I would pay for this! Await next instalment eagerly, cheeks flushed with gin and inspiration.

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