Under The Sea

There's something fishy going on.

Morning all. This is a weird-ass letter which I advise you not to read.

The Little Mermaid is the first film I ever saw in the cinema. It was 1989 and I was almost 6. A terrible experience thanks to the terrifying Ursula. Many years later I saw a diver catch a real octopus with his bare hand and bite its head off to kill it. No less haunting. Many more years later I sang “Under The Sea” from the film’s soundtrack as the opening song in my set at a festival. There was a logical reason for this. A nautical theme or something. It went down well with the daytime crowd of still-high-from-the-previous-night revellers.

Recently, as is too often the trigger for these foggy notions, I started singing the song to my “3-almost-4” year old. Obviously skipping over the verses about the fish being beaten, fried and eaten in fricassée . The lyrics are fantastic, truly inspired rhymes and ideas. However, children ask a lot of questions. Possibly all children, and especially ours. So when 3-almost-4 asked me about the chorus — (directly after a mind-boggling conversation about how an asteroid took away all the dinosaurs and then a fixeroid brought in all the people) — you must excuse me for having gotten momentarily confused. Under the sea? Wait. Under the sea??? Shouldn’t that be inside the sea? Or under the waves? What even is under the sea? Isn’t that just… sand?

Dear ChatGPT, what is under the sea? The lowest layer of the ocean is home to the most hostile conditions on Earth. There is no light, the pressure is extreme, and the temperatures near freezing. Animals that live in this deep-sea zone include basket stars, seapigs, and seaspiders. Some crustaceans living at these depths have evolved without eyes.

So no bubbles or blowfish or Calypso bands…

I think this might be the best photograph I’ve ever taken. Albeit not under the sea at all, but in London Zoo.

I have since been brought back to my senses. Assured that the common use of ‘under the sea’ refers to anything under the surface of the sea, and encouraged to spend more time in the company of 30-almost-40 year olds. Sebastian the Crab, I’m sorry I doubted you. And even if it was a dodgy line and I could diss Disney for lazy songwriting, would this fishy subject matter really be worthy of this month’s entire Substack? Absolutely not. Should I move swiftly on to my second realisation of the week? Alright then:

An Audible subscription costs £7.99 per month, with which you get 1 audiobook credit. A Spotify subscription meanwhile costs £11.99 per month for ALL MUSIC EVER MADE EVER.

Questions:

1. Am I in the wrong profession?

2. Should I be devotin’ full time to floatin’?

3. Have you listened to our new song?

4. Are you ready for another new song and big announcement mid-month?

5. Should I record an EP of some songs I’ve been sharing here on Substack?

If you answered YES to at least 4 of the above you will have a very lucky year.

And if you feel you haven’t reached your word quota for today, The Songs Of Joni Mitchell crew wrote about our favourite Joni songs for Far Out magazine. You can read it here:

Goodbye.

Lail x